Kind of my feeling with Supernatural fandom last night. It’s okay — it’ll pass. None of us is Sid orNancy. No stabbing anyone 9 times in the neck with a kitchen knife. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch that youtube video with JGL flashing his black bra and panties around until I stop crying about the last twenty minutes of “The Born Again Identity”.
SO CASTIEL I HEARD YOU TRIED TO BE FATHER FOR A WHILE. HOW CAN YOU, WHEN YOU’VE NEVER EVEN MET HIM?
YES BRING ON THE ANGEL ANGST
Oh god, it’s going to be like the holy fire scene from 5x10 over and over again because I mean Lucifer and Castiel walked a similar path, and that’s what Lucifer’s going to needle him about. We’re not so different, we wanted too much, we loved the wrong way, we were proud, we were ready to risk the world, we had a vision. It’s going to be like, I’m the only family you have left, and it’s so, so fitting. Lucifer is going to enable all of Castiel’s worst fears about himself, and Castiel - for all that he has doomed himself to this penance as redemption - will feel no closer to redemption for it. You said you remember everything. That is why you’re here.
Castiel’s first reaction upon regaining his memories was to iterate all of the things he could never make up for. But he thought, he hoped, that maybe this one thing, Sam’s wall, maybe he could fix that. He was sorry, so very sorry — and then he couldn’t even do that one thing. And there he is, stuck in a room with a reminder of exactly how far from angelic he’d gone, Sam, who ALWAYS believed Cas could be saved, and Sam is gibbering and psychotic and all the light is gone out of his eyes because of something he, Castiel, had done.
Destroying Sam’s wall hadn’t been necessary — it had been a diversionary tactic and Castiel could have done any number of other things.But he didn’t, and now he’s wearing a trenchcoat stained with the blood of dozens if not hundreds who are gone but Sam is here, and Cas isn’t even looking at Dean— can’t bring himself to even raise his gaze that high. And then Castiel has an idea and he realizes the moment he has it that it’s suicidal and risky, but that it should save Sam. He can’t talk Dean into forgiveness, but he can give Dean and Sam (they’ve already given so much) this one thing. The look on his face — he doesn’t look at Dean, not until he’s already on the bed, because while the risks must be self-evident and terrifying — the moment he thinks of the action, he doesn’t hesitate for a moment to do it.
He gets to the bed and yes, he’s killing himself again, he has a bad feeling, so he does pause and gives Dean the longest sustained look he’s given him since recovering his memories. “It’s better this way,” and Dean had been shifting forward but he stops. Castiel looks away to lie. “I’ll be fine.” And if this is a lie to himself or Dean — it doesn’t matter, he’s not going to let anyone stop him.
He’s made this decision, in the spirit of contrition. This will be his penance. Castiel instead looks at Sam, who can’t even see him for his terror and delusions. He offers Sam one last comfort, knowing that it is a comfort for himself, for Dean, resigned to Sam never forgiving him. “Sam, this may hurt. And if I can’t ever tell you again” — he knows he won’t, knows the risks — “I’m sorry I ever did this to you.” And then he takes on Hallucifer.
Hallucifer who is a tiny aspect of Lucifer that’s attached itself to the coattails of Sam’s soul and been unraveling it thread by thread ever since, even though he’s been confined to a mere human body and soul. And now Castiel’s brought him into an angelic vessel, invited him to share a place with angelic powers, and it is by far the most terrifying thing Castiel could consider — he’s given Lucifer back door access an angel-sized weapon. But unlike Michael, the first thing that Lucifer calls him is “Brother.” Dean, who has rushed to his (moments ago, dying) brother, turns to Cas the moment that Cas steps away in terror, and exchanges a look with Sam — “What the fuck do we do now, what’s been let loose in there?” If Cas looks at Sam and sees Lucifer, who does he see when he looks at Dean? He’s a trapped animal in those few seconds — hauling him in for a hug will do him no good — this fear is beyond primal.
So Castiel chooses catatonia - the vessel is in and of itself now effectively the Cage. There’s an internal battle going on here — that Sam lasted as long as he did is a testament to his personal strength. Castiel and Lucifer — probably his older brother, definitely the one with more power — are locked in that skull and if Castiel loses, the Lucifer effectively walks the Earth again. And it’s too tempting and Castiel has already lost track of his sins. So he shuts down.
There’s been a lot made of “Just leaving him behind.” I’ll give the writers the benefit of the doubt — this scene happens in the middle of the night and the boys don’t appear to leave the (worst mental ward) hospital until late morning early afternoon. They’ve arranged for care, they’ve gotten Sam through the exit interviews, and just as Dean couldn’t do anything sitting by Sam’s bedside, neither of them can do anything sitting by Castiel’s. No one has abandoned anyone — in particular, Meg has not forgotten anything, and who knows what her agenda is (she has always been the most terrifying of the demons for me; Crowley sold his soul for a bigger cock, Meg’s damage runs a little deeper than that).
(Source: mysweetcherrycas, via thegeminisage)
